The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
