I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
