I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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