Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Sext me about skeletons
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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