i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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