The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
