He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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