the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
