how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize
