I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize