I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
