it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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