I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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