dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
