Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
