Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
We got so high we made milksteak
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
