I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I wish I only lived at night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
