You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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