I think I won the penis lottery.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
