Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
