He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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