i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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