plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
