my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
