i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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