i need an iv and a liver transplant
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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