I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
