no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
