Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
