He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
