This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
