i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
