I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
