I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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