I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
