glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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