just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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