yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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