Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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