im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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