ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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