I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
