What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
