I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
