The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
