I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
