I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
