I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
