the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
