Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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