new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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