I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
