Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
