Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We left the knife in your bed.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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