I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
