it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
