We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
