she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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