i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
