just tell him i said nine months
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
